Dealing with demons

I'm not sure how many people would understand this, but I grew up in a less than ideal home, one that was verbally and occasionally physically abusive, where no love or affection was shown, at times very inappropriate things went on and I was never allowed to make many friends, let alone go to friends houses or have friends over, I was pretty much felt like I was trapped in Hell. Over the course of my life I've found it has made my life and those around me life's very difficult.

I won't blame all my problem on my parents, though some are probably their fault, I'd say the creation of the problem is their fault. Not having many or being able to make friends and do things with friends made my early and teenage years very difficult, eventually I made friends that I could hang out with, at places I shouldn't have been and doing things I should have been doing with friends I shouldn't have been with. I became very depressed during my teenage years as I wanted some way away from my family and felt at many times I had no way out of it, this resulted in many bad memories that I wish I could get rid of me and that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I've learned and still have to deal with these memories, but it's hard at times. I had one marriage fail because both she and I had no idea what a marriage should be like and what a husband and wife were supposed to do for each other as far as caring for and loving each other, we didn't know how to communicate, as in the home I grew up in that involved yelling and crying, so things eventually fell apart and once again my life became Hell until I got out of that situation.

I grew up in a home with hatred, jealousy, bigotry, disrespect, abuse and a very huge lack of affection. This has left holes in me that may never be repaired. I found a great woman and wife in Missy and I've repaired alot of the damage that happened when I was young, but not many people can understand the uncomfortableness and what may at times seem like unfriendliness that I may give off in social situations, because I didn't get to learn these things at a young age like most people did, it is and has been one of the most difficult things that I've had to deal with, and I still struggle with it at times, but I also refuse to let my ignorant parents to scar me and hinder my life. I will not become the sad, unhappy, ignorant people that they are, they made the choice to be that way, but they can't make that choice for me.

I struggle everyday in some way with what I went through, and to this day, I really hate talking to or visiting with them. This may seem very cold, but for me it will be easier when they are dead, as I can't seem to be as cold as I should be and just cut them off, and some of this may be due to my 39 year old brother and his daughter who lives with them. I'd have my brother come live with me so he could be out of that situation too, but his daughter's mother lives in Ohio, so he's there for her. I worry that his daughter, my niece is being damaged by them, but I feel helpless to stop it. I don't really know where I'm going with all this, maybe I'll come back and add more to this, but really it just feels good to get it out. I want to get out everything they did to me, but I also don't want people to look weird at me after reading it, so some things I may have to hold onto forever or as long as they're not hurting me.

Read more...

Catching up

It's been awhile since I posted anything on here. I've been so busy since recovering from surgery and getting back to work. I was 297 lbs. on the day of surgery, on 2.5.09 and now here it is almost 4 months later, I'm at 222 lbs., making it 75 lbs. lost, and leaving me 32 lbs. to be at my goal weight. I have so much energy compared to before, so active doing this or that around the house, or biking, fishing, going to the gym or anything else Missy can come up with. I had not sat on the couch and watched TV in weeks until the other day and still is was for probably a half an hour. But life has been good since surgery. There are a few things that are annoying, the occasional mood swings from the hormones that are stored in the fat my body is getting rid of, the skinny that is getting wrinkly and hanging in a few places and the clothes that fit good for a few weeks and then I look like one on the homeboys with my pants hanging off my ass. But it could be worse, I could still be fat.

I've done so much around the house, so many projects finished and completed. The wall opening and bar counter has been completed, along with the living room being arranged with furniture. Then I built a sandbox for Polly and Ella, the monster dogs, to keep save my tree that they were digging around. After that was done, I decided I didn't like the mess that my compost pile had become, so I had to build a box for the compost pile. Then the lawn mower broke down, so I had to give it a tune up. Then Missy's Mom and Dad came up, so it became a priority to fix up the guest bed room and move alot of the boxes around, or eventually up to the attic. Around this time I changed my work schedule to coincide with Missy's, since the witch at her work was messing with her schedule and my life. So that took some getting used to, and I started going back to the gym at night, which became much easier with so much more of the weight off me. Then on May 9th our house got flooded from all the rain we had had that week. Well that is not totally true, it was from the rain, but also from the neglect of the City of Hendersonville Public Utility department to take care of a drainage problem that it was informed of the year before and it had acknowledged and agreed to take care of. Now the city would not directly take care of it, but it is in the municipal code that the city is required to inform the home owners whose property that the drainage ditch reside on and inform them of what needs to be done and how long they have to fix it. After that point the city is required to take care of it and bill the property owners. That did not happen, the city did nothing, so when the land got inundated with rain and the drainage ditch across the street that my drainage ditch drains to also got inundated and with how much it needs to be dug out, it back water up in my ditch and on my property, to the point that I had 7 to 9 inches of water in my backyard and in the family room (that was once a garage). To say the least, I am less than thrilled with the city, who once again says the drainage ditch needs dug out and amazingly, once I've mentioned pursuing my legal rights, something is being done about it, but they as of right now are accepting no fault. I've contact my alderman, who is not happy about how the city is handling itself, and I'm working on scheduling an appointment with the Mayor to discuss it. I've contacted a lawyer and all seems good, but we're trying to handle this the cheap civil way. We'll see if it's possible, I still have legal non civil ways if the Mayor is out of his mind, those will be fun and open for all to see and read about in the newspaper and on TV. So anyways with all that has happened, we had to get the water out of that part of the house, pull up the carpet, remove the glue beneath it and move all kinds of furniture around. More stuff to keep me busy. We bought a new grill just before the flooding, that was less that a joy to put together and of course it got to sit in the water on my patio. Since then Missy has kept me so busy, it's all just a blur. We did have a first Post-Op support group at Vanderbilt last week that we're leading. It went very well, I think this will be a very good thing for us and others. Now after the support group things didn't go as well, we went to go home, as Missy and I drove separately since I worked that day and she didn't. She got into her truck and started it, which all it did was attempt to turn over and I knew it, the fuel pump went out. So this past Saturday, me and Tony, her cousin's husband, replaced the fuel pump. While it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, the new wiring harness that I had to install was a huge pain in the ass, next time I'd get the OEM part from Delphi. Anyways, it started up just fine after we got it in. Well that's all I have for now, but it's all been a blur and I'm looking forward to finding some time to rest, maybe eventually.

Read more...