Ouch, My nose!!!

So in attempt to make a long story short, after so recent events I found out that I have a mental disorder called Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD. It can be debilitating at times and is tough on those around me, especially in times of crisis. With such inner pain, turmoil, powerlessness and defensive reactions, coupled with limited coping and communication skills, it is hard for others to understand or even tolerate, thus my current situation. Anyways, part of the management of BPD is some medication, only to deal with the anxiety and depression, which can come and go with whatever is going on in life, then the other part is Dialectical Behavior Therapy or DBT. Currently I'm on my 5th session of DBT and this week's homework was to think of times when we've cut off our nose to spite our face. Evidently a pretty common thing, due to our poor coping skills and inability to deal with anger in a healthy way. This made me look back at my life and think about how I have done this in the past. So here it goes.

My latest big example of this is probably what ended me in the hospital and almost dead. Though there were many feelings and incorrect thoughts behind it, in the end it was spiteful towards someone I was angry with. Sitting in my truck and swallowing close to 100+ pills of Lithium, 60+ pills of Trileptal and 25+ pills of Seroquel after taking Phenegran to insure they would stay down, not smart, not sane, just fucking stupid. Taking 6+ pills at a time, over and over again until I felt my self getting dizzy, texting my wife to try to get her to say something that would make me stop and knowing that there was nothing she could say, I was aware than I could die. Hell, I hurt so much I wanted to die. I couldn't conceive going on alone, going through therapy that is and will kick up feelings about traumatic events that I never wanted to remember again. And me having no one to support me through this, my best friend and support left because she couldn't deal with me anymore. The doctors can't be with me all the time, the family I have can't support me like I need, I just feel very alone. I go home, I'm alone, I wake up, I'm alone, I go to the grocery store, I'm alone as I walk around seeing people with their families. This is a very scary place to be when you have BPD. This fear and emptiness of feeling alone, along with the anger of my wife leaving when I felt I needed her, made me do this very spiteful and very selfish act of attempting suicide. I don't know really why I so much say attempting, other than that I wasn't successful due to many medical professionals hard work. But I knew what I was doing, I knew what I was taking teamed with the understanding of my body after my Gastric Bypass, that there was little that could be done to undo what I was doing. I very much should have died, I had well over the amount of a lethal dose of Lithium in my system, I was even over the amount for a fatal dose, I guess it just wasn't my time to die. My body wasn't willing to give up a chance to be happy with Missy. And I'm so lucky that Missy took the steps to save my life when I selfishly showed up on her doorstep out of anger at her. What I did was not right in any fashion, not fair to her, not fair to the ones that love me, it was stupid and selfish and could have left me in bad shape, if not dead. My doctor tells me it wasn't a stupid thing I did, it was just a thing I did. I think it's because having dealt with so many BPD patients, he knows how hard and judgmental we are on ourselves. He knows that we'll sit around and dwell on the stupid choices we make. He knows how we think and deal.

So I've figured out, I've done this alot in my life. Why do I hurt myself to show others that I'm upset at them? Is it because I need them and don't want to make them mad by actually doing something to them? Am I actually angry at myself and trying to punish myself as well as them? Why do I try to be so manipulative by cutting off my nose to spite my face to hurt those I love or care about? Can I ever forgive myself for all that has happened? I guess time will tell.