Dealing with demons

I'm not sure how many people would understand this, but I grew up in a less than ideal home, one that was verbally and occasionally physically abusive, where no love or affection was shown, at times very inappropriate things went on and I was never allowed to make many friends, let alone go to friends houses or have friends over, I was pretty much felt like I was trapped in Hell. Over the course of my life I've found it has made my life and those around me life's very difficult.

I won't blame all my problem on my parents, though some are probably their fault, I'd say the creation of the problem is their fault. Not having many or being able to make friends and do things with friends made my early and teenage years very difficult, eventually I made friends that I could hang out with, at places I shouldn't have been and doing things I should have been doing with friends I shouldn't have been with. I became very depressed during my teenage years as I wanted some way away from my family and felt at many times I had no way out of it, this resulted in many bad memories that I wish I could get rid of me and that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I've learned and still have to deal with these memories, but it's hard at times. I had one marriage fail because both she and I had no idea what a marriage should be like and what a husband and wife were supposed to do for each other as far as caring for and loving each other, we didn't know how to communicate, as in the home I grew up in that involved yelling and crying, so things eventually fell apart and once again my life became Hell until I got out of that situation.

I grew up in a home with hatred, jealousy, bigotry, disrespect, abuse and a very huge lack of affection. This has left holes in me that may never be repaired. I found a great woman and wife in Missy and I've repaired alot of the damage that happened when I was young, but not many people can understand the uncomfortableness and what may at times seem like unfriendliness that I may give off in social situations, because I didn't get to learn these things at a young age like most people did, it is and has been one of the most difficult things that I've had to deal with, and I still struggle with it at times, but I also refuse to let my ignorant parents to scar me and hinder my life. I will not become the sad, unhappy, ignorant people that they are, they made the choice to be that way, but they can't make that choice for me.

I struggle everyday in some way with what I went through, and to this day, I really hate talking to or visiting with them. This may seem very cold, but for me it will be easier when they are dead, as I can't seem to be as cold as I should be and just cut them off, and some of this may be due to my 39 year old brother and his daughter who lives with them. I'd have my brother come live with me so he could be out of that situation too, but his daughter's mother lives in Ohio, so he's there for her. I worry that his daughter, my niece is being damaged by them, but I feel helpless to stop it. I don't really know where I'm going with all this, maybe I'll come back and add more to this, but really it just feels good to get it out. I want to get out everything they did to me, but I also don't want people to look weird at me after reading it, so some things I may have to hold onto forever or as long as they're not hurting me.